So far, my journey into ENM and polyamory has been a series of maybes.
Maybe I am not cut out for this.
Maybe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Maybe this is all one big learning experience, and one day, once I am seasoned and really wrinkled, I will look back on this and know I lived something extra. Loving, opening myself up to loving another person, and being loved, is…so extra.
I’m afraid my story though is one of extremes…highs then lows, very little in betweens. I have been trying my best to be a cool vixen, a woman who needs nothing more than she has, a woman who certainly doesn’t need both a husband AND a lover.
But I fail.
The truth is, I am selfish, and I want what I want. I have gotten attached to my boyfriend, the boyfriend who, at the end of August, sent me a text telling me we had to be done because of his wife’s aversion to the Lifestyle. The same boyfriend who, 5 days later, texted me from a romantic weekend away with his wife, that he had fallen in love with me. The same boyfriend that cheated on his wife with me when I returned home from my European vacation a couple of weeks ago, and then two days later confessed that he couldn’t continue to cheat.
Then he went out of town for work.
On his first night alone there, he texted, drunk. “I want you. I want you to be all mine. I want you to leave your husband and be mine.” I knew it wasn’t true, and I knew he was just feeling alone. He even apologized, saying he would hate that for my husband, and didn’t want that to happen. Is me telling you this trying to paint him as a good man? I wrestle with this a lot, I do. I know he is good. To me, he is. God, I think so. Maybe I am jaded? He doesn’t give me the love (the words) he knows I crave anymore, he keeps them close to his chest and won’t say them. He doesn’t say he misses me like he used to. His pet names are way more rare than they used to be. But hell, I am a grown woman…do I NEED that?
Feels like I do.
Since his return home from his work trip, I picked him up from the airport, and had a long lunch. Later that night we were both guests at a friends costume party, along with my husband. Several times, we snuck away (yes, my husband was aware), and made out like teenagers in the back hallway. His reservations seemed to have dropped as he made no attempts to hide our kisses from anyone…