Polyamory: Make It Make Sense

Make it make sense.

I spent the night of my 49th birthday with a man that is not my husband. It’s strange for me to think about in that way…a strange man, on a special day. My day.

The day was, in fact, special.

It’s not the day I would have imagined only a few weeks ago however.

My husband, Avery, and I have been exploring ENM for just over a year now, and dove into polyamory in early summer, when I began a committed and loving relationship with Marc. I’ve written so many times about my struggles with Marc, to the point the stories exhaust even me.

That relationship is hard. ENM should not be hard. It’s supposed to be extra. Fun. Exciting. It certainly started off that way. But when things went pear-shaped in August, I went pear-shaped with them. I struggled with my self worth. I struggled with feelings of abandonment. I struggled with Marc no longer expressing his feelings for me. I struggled with the love my husband found in his own poly relationship, one of love unbound and commitment. I became jealous. Wandering. Wondering.

Marc and I have been having an affair since September, a relationship forbidden by his wife. She cannot and will not tolerate his having any involvement with me whatsoever, yet he continues. While Avery travels abroad to visit his girlfriend, Marc crawls into my bed as often as he can. He still wakes me most mornings with a text, he still flirts throughout the day, every day. He still claims that he owns me…