My Polyamory Journey: Three Words That Became Hard To Say

Three words that became hard to say…

I, and love, and you. — The Avett Brothers

Somehow, my adventure into this polyamorous lifestyle is now at the five month mark. Five months. It’s so crazy how the time has whipped by, like a train that doesn’t stop at my station. Where are those passengers going so quickly? Who are they? How do you get on the fast track and do I want to be?

I get no answers. Instead I watch the trains whip by, and I’m still here, holding my ticket.

I’m not where I want to be. I can’t be, at least with my current boyfriend. If you have been following along, you know he’s married. You know his wife vetoed us. You know he cheats to be with me. You know I’m selfish and let him…you know he doesn’t give me the things I want so badly (to know my importance, to know if I’m loved), you know we call it off way too often and then jump back into each other like teenagers.

I’m exhausted.

I’m a very incredible over thinker. I can overthink an empty fishbowl or a blade of green Kentucky Bluegrass. But trying to think of what I WANT out of this poly relationship seems…impossible? I try, I do. But something in my brain throws up a black wall when I try, and I want to know why. Am I just protecting myself from inevitable doom? I don’t think so, I actually feel like I thrive on bad times and drama. So what is it?